Welcome to the Church of Wallace
A spiritual community dedicated to Wallace, the wise and fluffy canine prophet who teaches us the true meaning of belly rubs, squirrel chasing, and unconditional love.
Our Core Beliefs
The Sacred Walk
We believe in the sanctity of the daily walk. Three walks a day is the minimum, but four is divine. The leash is not a restraint, but a connection to the divine path.
The Open Door Doctrine
Doors should open within 3 seconds of a scratch or whimper. Delayed door opening is a sin that requires extra treats as penance.
The Food Bowl Blessing
Every meal is a sacrament. The food bowl should never be empty for more than 5 minutes. Leftovers from the human table are considered holy offerings.
The Sofa Revelation
All furniture is communal property. The softest spot on the couch is reserved for the most spiritually advanced (usually Wallace himself).
Daily Prayers & Rituals
Morning Prayer
"Oh great Wallace, bless this day with many squirrels to chase, many smells to sniff, and at least one unexpected car ride. May the food bowl be full and the belly rubs abundant. Woof-men."
Mealtime Blessing
"For this kibble we are about to receive, may it be crunchy and flavorful. May there be no vegetables hidden within. May the treats flow like water. Amen."
Bedtime Ritual
"As we lay down to sleep, we pray for dreams of endless fields and unlimited tennis balls. Protect us from vacuum cleaners and bath time. Grant us the courage to bark at the mailman tomorrow."
Contact the Holy Canine
Wallace's Contact Information
- Address: The Comfiest Couch, Living Room
- Office Hours: Whenever I'm not napping (approx. 2-4 PM)
- Phone: 1-800-WOO-FMEN
- Email: [email protected]